If you’ve struggled with with eating disorders, anxiety, depression, or any other of the issues that run the mental gamut, we have felt the same way.
“I relapsed….again. I’ve just been so stressed lately…”
“Why can’t I just cope better with things?”
“I should be doing better than …this.“
I find myself doing this all too often and just getting angry at myself because I’ve fallen short of my standards. I do this even to this day. Like, this morning.
But the worst part of it is, I put those sky-high expectations that I hold for myself on other people as if they are constantly measuring me. This worsens the deep-rooted anxiety and chemical depression by…at least triple. I feel the scorn I feel for myself emenating from them because I place it there.
Because I feel as if I am just not worthy.
I am not good enough.
I will never be good enough.
and that’s okay.
We live in a culture of overcommittment, stress, and too much caffeine. We push until we can’t go anymore. We exceed our limitations. We crash and burn. We curse ourselves. And we start the vicious cycle over again.
I caught myself falling into this trap when I was planning our banquet, embroiled in work drama, and trying to start a business/be a mom/transition into a stay at home mom/move… the list goes on.
Yes, those things have to be done. Yes, I have illnesses and troubles, but so does everyone. It’s okay to feel the stress and work around it and allow those outside deadlines to keep us on task. The problem is when that dictates your life so much your mood has changed and you have self-hatred rising because you just cannot be everything for everyone.
We were called by God to help people and that is fantastic. Help as much as your environment and your tribe allows. Don’t begin to exist only for the accolades and the “I don’t know how you manage it” comments and the worth that you feel that comes from empty busyness. It’s a backwards form of pride.
If Jesus rested on the seventh day, so can you. He has blessed us with families to run and care for, hobbies to enjoy, and a relationship to cultivate with Him.
The instant you start replacing Bible study with whatever activity/obligation you have piling up on your plate, is the instant you start to weaken yourself and leave yourself open to the self-talk of hatred and “you’re not good enough.”
We must give ourselves grace, lest we set examples for our children that burnouts are the only way to live, stress-induced fighting is acceptable, and putting everything aside for the sake of our overcommittments is status quo.
I’ve been feeling especially convicted about this in my marriage and in my relationship with God. I use busyness to hide from the shame I feel from dealing with anxiety and depression and feeling inadequate. It’s easier to bury my head in to-do lists and tax forms and endless assignments I make for myself. And for what?
I am cheating myself from the security that comes from a blessed marriage, unconditional love from my husband, and my Father. I am the one banging the gavel and condemning myself, driving myself further away from everyone who loves me truly…
I challenge you to give yourself grace today. Love on your husband or your children in a different way today. Pray today. Ask God to come in to your heart and show you why you are running so fast and so far.
You cannot be taken from His hands. You are always good enough for Him.